Parental Control
by twilightrox95
Summary: Charlie hates Edward with a passion, so he decides to go on the MTV reality show Parental Control, where parents pick dates for their kid. What kinds of ridiculous things will happen?


Bella was sitting on the couch in her living room when Charlie walked in.

"Bella? Can I talk to you for a minute?" he asked.

"Certainly!" Bella said with a bright smile."And what does this concern, Father?"

"Well," he began. "You know my feelings on your current boyfriend, Edward."

"Yeah, I know you don't like him."

"I think that phrase is too light. I _hate _Edward with all my heart and soul. If I had to choose between spending an afternoon with that faggot and gnawing my arm off, I would choose the latter without a second thought."

Bella rolled her eyes.

"Anyway!" Charlie said. "I've decided to put you on that reality show _Parental Control."_

"That's cool," said Bella nonchalantly. "It's not like I'm ever going to not date Edward or anything."

"I think you may change your mind after the boys I pick for you. Your mother is flying in next week, and that's when we'll tape the show."

"Okay," said Bella. "But don't expect me to actually like whoever you pick, unless they're a vampire."

"WHAT?" cried Charlie.

"I said… um… unless they have hampers! I simply cannot date a man who leaves his dirty laundry on the floor!"

"Oh, okay."

Charlie and Renee were sitting in a room when the very first contestant walked in.

"Hi! I'm Eric Yorkie, and I would be delighted to court your offspring Isabella Marie Swan!"

"Hello Eric. I'm Bella's mother Renee. You seem like a fine young man." Said Renee.

"Why, thank you Mrs. Dwyer. And might I say, you're looking very youthful."

Renee swooned, but Charlie was not impressed. "Why should you date my daughter?"

"As you can see by my pigmented epidermis, I am from the Mongolic ethnicity, also known as Asian. And it is widely known that homo sapiens from the Asian descent have miniscule genitals. Therefore, Bella will not want to engage in sexual intercourse with me, also known as 'making whoopee', due to said small genitals."

"Aah," said Charlie. "I like you."

"You're okay," said Renee, chugging her third martini. "Next!"

In walked Jacob Black.

"Hello," he said. "I'm Jacob Black. You must be Mr. Swan and Mrs. Dwyer. Pleasure to meet you."

"Jake," Charlie sighed. "I've known you your whole life."

"Shh! They're not supposed to know that!" Jacob whispered.

"Are you serious?"

"Wait!" said Jacob. "Ask me some questions!"

"Jacob….."

"Ask them!"

"Do you have any piercings or tattoos?" Renee cut in.

"No, I don't," Jacob smirked. "Well, a few temporary ones of Puff the Magic Dragon, a guy with a magenta beard, and the Chinese symbol for octopus. But those will wash off in the bathtub."

"What are your favorite hobbies?" asked Charlie.

"Well, I liked to fish sometimes, and eat pizza. I model in my free time for Calvin Klein and Ralph Lauren. Oh yeah, and I protect my village from intruders…" Renee and Charlie raised their eyebrows, so Jacob quickly changed the direction of his statement. "….in the awesome new video game _Vamp_!"

"Sounds interesting," Renee muttered, not sounding interested at all. "Next!"

Jacob left, and Charlie craned his neck to see who was coming in the door. He gasped when he saw the 6'5" fully muscled male enter his line of vision.

"Howdy, guys!" said Emmett Cullen said.

"Emmett? Aren't you Edward's brother?" asked Charlie inquisitively.

"Oh, yeah. I am." Emmett said. He turned around and walked out.

Next walked in Mike Newton.

"Mike, my boy! How good to see you!" Charlie yelled enthusiastically.

"You too!" Mike responded.

"Now, let's get down to business," Renee paused for dramatic effect. "Why should you date my daughter?

"I'm popular, non-conforming, good looking, athletic, friendly, kind, romantic, good at cooking, rich, smart, talented, brave, strong, handsome, agile, sane, and cool. Not to mention modest."

"Oh… that sounds nice." Said Renee. "Now where is that waiter? I need another one of those scrumptious martinis."

"Okay, Mike. You can go." Charlie waved his hand as though Mike was a fly that needed to be swat.

"Hold on! I thought you wanted to ask me a few more questions. This means a lot to me. I really like Bella! She is a caring person and I truly want to get to know her."

"What a queer," Renee said, rolling her eyes. "Now you can _definitely_ go."

Mike burst into tears and ran from the room. But on his way out he tripped on the rug.

"OH EM GEE!" he screamed. "I CUT MY FINGER! I HAVE AN OUCHEE! HELP ME!" Mike started crying hysterically. Just then, a producer of the show picked him up off the ground and threw him out.

Charlie consulted his list. "We have three more boys to interview. Their names are Alasandro, Hypogyrotuguherfiemustinas, and Bob."

"Ok." said Renee. "I'm gonna need some scotch, though. Hey! That would be a nice name for a kid!"

That's when Alasandro walked in the door. He was the palest guy they had ever seen, including the Cullen family. He had jet black hair, and a lightning bolt shaped scar on his trachea.

"Hello. You must be Alasandro," said Charlie. Renee stood up and wandered away.

"That ain't legit! The boyz in da hood call me Ass-lizzle-sizzle-nizzle-dizzle-rizzle. Ass for short. Damn straight, dawg!"

"Okay, Ass. Why should you date my daughter?"

"I don't know, man. You don't know me!"

"That's right. I don't know you. That's why I'm trying to get to know you. Why are you even here?"

"Don't let the po-po deport me back to Siberia! Nooooooo!" screamed Alasandro, a.k.a. Ass-lizzle-sizzle-nizzle-dizzle-rizzle, a.k.a. Ass.

Alasandro/Ass-lizzle-sizzle-nizzle-dizzle-rizzle/Ass ran out of the room. And Renee walked back in.

"Who was that?" she asked, licking a lollipop.

"I don't know," sighed Charlie. "I need an OxyContin."

"Aw, I just ran out. Sucks to be you!"

"Literally," said a voice from the doorway. Renee and Charlie looked up. It was Emmett!

"What are you doing here, Emmett?" asked Renee, stalking forward.

"Well, after you excluded me from your 'TV show', I decided to seek revenge."

Charlie trembled with fear but Renee stood her ground. "And how might you do that, Emmett?"

"By throwing you a birthday party. But here's the genius behind my plan- I'll 'forget' to mail out the invitations. And then no one will come! And you'll feel like the loser that you are. Muhahahahaha!"

Renee looked truly scared. "Please, don't!" she cried. "That's the worst fate imaginable!"

"Too late! I already started planning it. I'm out, bitches!" he turned around and left.

"Charlie! What are we going to do!" Renee screamed. Tears were pouring down her face.

"Don't worry, Renee! We'll mail out the invitations ourselves." Charlie said confidently.

"Ok! Who's next?"

"That Hypo guy. Here he comes now!"

The person who walked into the door was not a man.

"I'm Hypogyrotuguherfiemustinas! How are you doing?" said the… thing.

"Are you a woman?" asked Charlie disgustingly.

"We're called drag queens, thank you very much. I have a ding dong, but I like to dress up in woman's clothing." Said Hypogyrotuguherfiemustinas.

"We'll get to that in a second," said Renee. "But I have to know- what is up with your name? Was your mom on crack?"

"It was heroin. GET IT RIGHT!" Hypogyrotuguherfiemustinas screamed.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to offend."

"It's okay. I get a little touchy about my mom's drug usage. Everyone just assumes its crack!" said Hypogyrotuguherfiemustinas.

"Anyway, do you play any sports?" asked Charlie.

"Actually, I'm a three time champion in the annual stripping contest down at the Gay Emporium."

"We have a gay strip club in town? I didn't know that!" said Charlie excitedly.

"Yep. I perform Mondays, Saturdays, Sundays, and Thursdays. You should come check it out!"

"Maybe I will…" muttered Charlie.

"I bet you're the kind of man who could use a little loving," winked Hypogyrotuguherfiemustinas.

"You don't even fucking know, man." Charlie sighed.

"WOMAN!"

"Sorry, sorry, woMAN." Charlie chuckled.

"Whatever, dude. I know who won't be getting a hand job now." Hypogyrotuguherfiemustinas left

"Damn it!" Charlie muttered under his breath.

"I'll give you a hand job," Renee said sexily.

They had an orgy. The end.


End file.
